Distance Makes the Heart…

“How do you feel about me leaving?”, I asked.

“I’ve done it before and swore I wouldn’t do it again, but I’d like to think I’ve grown since then. I think I’d like to see where this goes. I met you and feel you’re someone I don’t want to let go”, he responded.

And so we did. The lifespan, almost 8 months… four local and four distant.

I sit here wondering what went wrong, how it happened that on a Saturday evening, two weeks after basking in the glory of us, I am suddenly one again. Was I ever not? My sense of everything feels so off. The ground beneath my feet has crumbled away and I am left with the feeling that I’m floating. No longer anchored to the story I created, the string to my balloon-self has been severed, and here I hover.

Distance makes the heart grow in ways one can never expect. For me, distance made the heart grow stronger. The experience of the distance, allowing the vulnerability, regardless of the outcome, has allowed my heart to expand. The distance for me, was different than for him. I threw on my optimistic lenses, strapped on my safety belt, squeezed his hand, in preparation for the ride. I thought we were on the same page, that we were in the same car on the roller coaster. We were in this together. I thought. He, did not.

With one foot in and one foot out, unbeknownst to me, he quickly hit the eject button, taking the easy way out. I looked down and saw him standing on the deck, back turned from me, walking away, without even a glance, as if he was never there to begin with. The joy in my soul replaced with a growing anger and sadness. The muscles of my heart attempt to contain it all, constricting the love force from my brain and my limbs, the paralysis set in. I paste a smile on my face and try not to cry out, “hey-wait-where are you going?” My smile cracks and this pain and anger oozes from my being. I wander. Furious. Dazed. Tears flood my soul, my vision blurred. I eventually lift my head. I’m not alone. I’m surrounded by love and tenderness, and I begin to see clearly again. I practice, “thank you for the experience, thank you for the journey”. I feel my soul returning to it’s natural state. I’m conscious of the anger slowly slipping through my fingers, like mud, rinsed with gratitude. When has any plan ironed out perfectly like a factory pressed shirt? I don’t need all the answers. I just need to know where I am. This disappointment comes with an openness to all possibilities and directions. I open my eyes to the beautiful mess that surrounds me. I can see clearly my feet. My compass hasn’t led me astray. I’m here. Floating. Right where I should be. I wrap my arms around and cradle my precious heart. My precious heart. Stronger, for the distance.